May 2008


Tonight’s live blogcast of the Marlins/Mets game is a little behind schedule. Because that is how we roll. That’s why God invented MLB Gameday.

cantu new.jpg1st
Olsen gives up a double and a home run. Oh dear.

Oliver Perez is…Oliver Perez. 2-0, Mets

2ndJorge Cantu commits his 11th error. Yes, ELEVENTH. There is one person in all of major league baseball with more errors (12). And we’re sure Jorge will pass him for sole possession of first in no time. We want Dallas! We want Dallas! 2-0, Mets

3rdOur $70 million man continues his post-millionaire struggles. Rabelo homers!

Our ace has decided to settle down. Whew. 2-1, Mets

4thWe hate Oliver Perez.

Double, single, wild pitch, run. 3-1, Mets

5thCody! Cody! Cody! If only you could learn to hit something other than the longball. Ya know, like the occasional base hit. Perez shows some wildness, but naturally this doesn’t translate into runs for the Fish.

Have I mentioned yet tonight that I hate the Mets? Just checking. Ollie’s woes continue, but thank God for double plays. 4-2, Mets

6thCODY! CODY! CODY! 3-run shot!!!! (forget what I said about base hits. This is better. And by the way, we love Oliver Perez.)

Waechter in for Ollie. Waechter owns. 5-4, Fish

7th I enjoy this version of Renyel Pinto. 5-4, Fish

8thHeilman in for the Mets. Strikes out the bloody side.

Lindstrom owns. 5-4, Fish

9thGregg in to close. There are no words. Only tears.

12th – AMEZAGA HOMERS!!!!!!!!!!! Fish lead!!!!!!!!!! 6-5, Fish

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. This is the last time that HLD&S GAMENIGHT stays up for extra innings.


Welcome back to Flushing, NY, folks. Apparently God has chosen not to answer my prayer and wipe this city and all its inhabitants off the map. Oh well. I did get a new iPod, so I can’t complain. Tonight Johan Santana takes the mound for the floundering Mets, and we take to practicing the ancient art of voodoo using a Santana Beanie Baby and a letter opener.

voodoo.jpg1stSo far, the voodoo isn’t working. Come to think of it, this doll bears an unsettling resemblence to Andrew Miller… 3-0, Mets

2ndDo my eyes deceive me, or do we have a baserunner?! And another?! Dear lands, the bases are loaded. Perhaps we were too quick to judge the sorcery. Fish score.

Ah, nothing as sweet as a David Wright strikeout. Except possibly a Chase Utley strikeout. 3-1, Mets

3rdSo many wasted baserunners, so little time.

1,2,3 go the Mets. Seems Miller has decided to settle down

ihateny.jpg4th Is it just me, or is Andrew Miller the worst-hitting pitcher in existence? Just curious.

5thSo many precious Marlins baserunners going to waste.

Welp, so much for the new and improved Andrew Miller. 4-1, Mets

6thCody! Cody! Cody! OK, we don’t wanna be picky, but why oh why couldn’t you do that with the bases loaded?

Joe Nelson. Enough said. (Well it probably really isn’t enough, but we’re leaving it at that anyway.)

7th More Marlins on base. Some wildness from Santana! Hermida scores! Things have suddenly become interesting. Or at least less uninteresting. 4-3, Mets

8thWe are running out of opportunities, fellas. 5-3, Mets

Due to inclement weather (read: the sudden crappiness of this ballgame), the HLD&S GAMENIGHT blogcast is calling it a night. Yes we can do that.


Tonight’s live blogcast of the Marlins/Giants game has been cancelled, because you all should be at the ballpark supporting the Fish. And also because after yet another Jorge Cantu error and resulting run(s), we have no desire to write any words that will not show up on this blog as ****.

Please see below for today’s thoughts on Marlins baseball.

Shock & Awe

surprise(1).jpgWould somebody please alert the media that while the Fish do intend to change their name in the near future, current plans do not include a switch to the “Surprising Marlins.”

Then again, I didn’t make it out to the press conference at the Orange Bowl last weekend, so perhaps that’s how I missed the big announcement. I thought we were going with “Miami Marlins,” but maybe I was wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time. (It would be the one-and-a-halfth time).

I would never claim to know the difficulties of being a sports journalist in this day and age. Coming up with new and creative ways to cover the game of baseball on a daily basis has got to be pretty challenging. But seriously, if I read just one more article about the Fish that contains the word “surprise,” or any of its conjugations, I will stab myself in the throat.

Let’s get creative, people. Or lets just be honest. How refreshing would it be to read: “I’m one of the jerks who crapped on the Marlins all off-season, and ignored their success early on because I’m a giant ****, and now I’m eating some serious…crow. Because, well, they don’t suck quite as bad as I thought they would. Of course, the reason I thought they’d suck is because–aside from being a giant ****–I just took last season’s record, subtracted Miguel Cabrera’s OPS, added a few felony indictments to Scott Olsen, and divided by pi.”

Now i’m not going to lie. If anyone had told me this spring that on May 23rd the Marlins would be eight games above .500 and leading the NL East, I would have been…slightly skeptical. At the same time, though, I didn’t agree with the myriad prognosticators who had the Marlins losing 154 games in 2008, and now just can’t for the life of them figure out how things haven’t gone that way. It’s kind of like not studying for an advanced calculus test, and then being confused about why you missed 99% of the answers. Surprise!  


broom.jpgUnfortunately, due to circumstances beyond our control (can’t really control lazinesss, can you now?), tonight’s live blogcast of of the Marlins/Diamondbacks game has been unavoidably delayed…depending, I guess, on your definition of “unavoidably.” Let’s change that to avoidably. Yep, very avoidably delayed.

We now join your regularly scheduled ballgame in the top of the fifth…

1st-4thWe’ve really got no clue what happened here, other than some baseball was played, and the Fish scored somehow. Don’t worry, though, you can catch the highlights you missed on Baseball Tonight…oh wait. They don’t talk about the Fish. Call a neighbor or something.

5th It’s like I’ve said from day one, folks, Andrew Miller is a bright and shining star of the rotation. I always knew he’d come around. Been rooting for the kid all along.

The Amazing one triples to no avail.

6th – 9 K’s for Miller. Can somebody please pinch me? Or punch me in the face. Something.

7th – The madness continues. What has possessed Andrew Miller, and how can we bottle it and serve it intraveinously to Burke Badenhop?

Matt Treanor is on. Some insurance would be lovely. Amezaga singles! He’s 3-for-3! Runners at the corners for Wes Helms! Who delivers!!! Two score! 3-0 Fish! How many more exclamation marks can I use in one paragraph?! (463 is a rough estimate)

8th – Kensing in. Here’s hoping his tummyache has no effect on his pitching. Ummm…I would like to thank the umpiring crew on the night, who clearly make their off-season home in South Florida.

Uggla has suddenly become lukewarm.

9thBrettley Carroll extracts the pine from his rump and trots to left. J-Mil in to close things out. SHUTOUT!!!!!!!! SWEEEEEEEP!!!!!! 

Owings, Webb, Haren??? D-Backs? *yawn*


Nolasco Vs. Webb. Should be a riveting game…




4thD’oh!!! There goes Ricky’s shutout.

5th And there goes Webb’s no-no… and for some reason, FSN has decided to play musical color commentators. Too bad we can’t hear the delightful banter of Daron Sutton (T-Hutt and D-Sutt, anyone?)

Egads, are the Fish actually playing good defense?!

Gonzo triples with one out. Scores on the squeeze! 

And Cody goes deep!!! (We just don’t want fans to get too used to this “small ball” muck)

Nolasco is dealing.

The Amazing One smokes it.

7thNolasco owns.

Another bloody extra base-hit for Uggs. He now leads the NL.

Uggla scores on Gonzo’s base-hit! A hit with a runner in scoring position and no outs??? What are the Fish coming to?! Oh…well now that’s more like it. 

8thLindstrom in to continue the filth…er, to issue a free pass. And a hit. And… Whew.

The Amazing One strikes again.

9th – Enter Kevin Gregg. Oh, and by the way, the score is 1-3, in case you were curious (see, we at HLD&S GAMENIGHT don’t bother you with trivial details such as these all throughout the game. You’re welcome).

K, K, flyout…BALLGAME!!!!! Fish win 1-3. And preserve their glorious lead in the NL East. Mmmmm.




Welcome to HLD&S GAMENIGHT, a brand new installment of live game blogs at Hook, Line Drive & Sinker. Who needs’s antiquated “Gameday” when this far more advanced technology has arrived? Not Fish fans, we assure you. As the name would indicate, we will only be providing live coverage of night games. We are not usually awake before 4 PM. And as an added bonus, in HLD&S graphics, Hanley Ramirez and Eric Byrnes look nothing alike (see below). Enjoy:  

1st – Mark and Micah strike some folks out.

2nd – Amezaga is sporting some pretty gangsta corn rows. Sweet.

3rd – Not real sure how it happened (hey, when nature calls…) but the Marlins have scored.

4th – Welp, there goes the no-no. And more importantly, Treanor‘s finally shaved the hideous ‘stache. Thank God.

Uhhh…Just noticed the game is tied. How on earth did that happen?

Uggla scores. Son of a mother, is that two Fish runs without the long ball?!?! 

5th – Thank you, Eric Byrnes

Seven K’s for Marky-Mark! My AAB points remain intact! 

Hanley Ramirez now has a strikeout for every million in his contract since signing Saturday.

6th – I could do without Orlando Hudson.

Matthew “The Mormon Mish” Lindstrom in for Hendrickson. 

Lindstrom dials it up to 100.

Boy, this new-fangled “small ball” thing is a pretty interesting new approach for the Fi…Uggla goes deep!!! Like I was saying, manufactured runs are overrated.

Wow. Is it really an in-game Brett Carroll sighting? Who on earth is manning the coveted bench-warming duties in the absence of Brettley’s bottom?  

7th – Enter the Tattooed Tosser.

Exit baseball from ballpark. Fish lead down to 1. AAB points in danger. Intoxication imminent. Whew. Strikeout.

Hermida: broken bat #6,742 this season.

And broken bat #6,743.

Another $70 million strikeout.

8th – Renyel “The Bean” Pinto declares war on homeplate umpire, sporting all the control of an inebriated second-grader with ADHD. 

Walks two. Angers thousands. 

Bases loaded on balls.  Fingernails bitten down to bloody stubs.

Enter Keving Gregg. Exit my confidence in winning ballgame.

full count…bases loaded…Byrnes K’s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEW.

Uggla doubles and/or owns life.

9th – Re-enter Kevin Gregg.

Issues free pass. Tying run on. Heart palpitations return.

BALLGAME!!!!!!!! Marlins win, 3-2. 

Thank you for joining us on HLD&S GAMENIGHT. Please visit again soon. 

GAMENIGHT graphics: 


To Err is Marlin

To forgive…is for somebody a with a lot more patience than I. Although after tonight’s 3-run shot by Wesley Helms–the deciding swing in the Marlins’ 7-3 victory over The Royals, which ended their skid–I am very nearly prepared to forget his comedy tragedy of errors last night.

You know all that talk we heard in the off-season about improving on defense? Well I am happy to report the Fish have made good on their promises. Six weeks into the season, we do not lead Major League baseball in E’s. (!) Instead, our stellar fielding has catapulted us into the highly esteemed number three position. All I have to say to that is: Hallelujah, there are two teams in baseball with more errors than us! Watching the Fish play this past week, I really didn’t think it was possible.

The good news is I think our boys were embarrassed enough by last night’s horrific display to actually defend like Major League ball players tonight. And it looks like the Fish are beginning to rub off on their competition, as evidenced by Kansas City’s difficulties in the field this evening. Or maybe after the Fish handed them the game last night, they just wanted to return the favor. 

In closing, I want to congratulate Hanley on getting locked in through 2014. Our $70 million man has decided to celebrate his long-term contract by going 0-for-4 tonight. All I can say is thank goodness they didn’t include a no-trade clause.

Doppler 23-17

imagesCAO1576L.jpgThe best way to avoid being swept at the Great American Ballpark? Hire a giant thundercloud of doom to rain out the final game. Brilliant strategy, really (and much flashier–pun intended–than something ridiculously simple, like playing good defense). Sure, we dropped three in a row, but so what? We didn’t get swept. I, for one, can now consider our time in Cincinnati a brilliant success.

This recent stroke of luck will hopefully stay with us through the upcoming homestand, and spur us on to another dozen-game win streak. A streak in which the Fish will display some of the lousiest fielding and pitching known to man, and yet magically jack enough balls out of the park to render the aforementioned lousiness null and void.

Although the Fish are no longer riding a long string of wins, at least we have the joy that is interleague play to distract our minds. Some people like to complain about IP, but I am not one of them. I find it extremely exciting to have the opportunity to head out to the ballpark for series with exciting American League teams that I may otherwise never have the opportunity to witness. Exciting teams such as…the Royals? Yeah. Maybe I’ll watch from home tonight.

Kansas City has decided to get a bit “hot” before traveling to South Florida. The Fish have decided to lose three games in a row. Our fate for the evening lies in Andrew Miller’s unpredictable left arm.  

None of the last three sentences are putting me at ease right now.

The time to panic is now.

hyperventilate.jpgNo, seriously. The Fish were once on top of the world, soaring on the wings of eagles, high above the other 29–vastly punier–records in baseball. Or a few inches above, at least. And now? Well, now they are crap. Failures. The bottom-dwellers everyone thought they were at season’s start. What kind of a team loses two games in a row?!

Oh wait. Lots of teams do. Never mind. Panic order lifted. Whew. I think I’ve been watching too much Baseball Tonight.

Aside from a miserable inning from Taylor Tankersley, and the misfortune of running into one of the hottest pitchers in baseball right now, I don’t have too many complaints about the snapping of the Marlins’ seven-game win streak. I would like to remind the Marlins, though, that as fun as bashing 75 homers a night may be, more often than not it is the little things that win you games. Little things like not throwing a wild pitch with two outs, a runner on third and the pitcher at bat. Or using a little more hustle than a heavily medicated slug when racing a runner to first. Or not walking a batter before each home run you give up. Or not throwing like Jorge Cantu.

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for pantene arroyo.jpgJust sayin’.

If we don’t want to see the rest of our above-.500 cushion evaporate, we need to focus on a little more than knocking every pitch out of the park. Although, feel free to concentrate on that tonight against Arroyo. We need to at least split this series with the Reds.