September 2008

Don’t Shea Goodbye (We have fun ruining your lives here every year)!!!

Titles that didn’t make the cut, but are nevertheless worthy of an honorable mention:


Fish Sheak ‘Em Up Again!
A Sheam We Can’t Do this Again Next Season!
Shea it Ain’t So! We Wanna Make it Three Years in a Row!
A Sheav and a Haircut! (OK, so this one makes no sense. Yeah, it’s about right here that I ran out of inspiration.)
As you are well aware–unless you happened across this blog via a google search to learn the art of baiting a hook–the Fish have once again foiled the playoff hopes of the New York Metropolitans. For the second straight year, the Marlins marched into Flushing New York and wiped the smiles from the faces of obnoxious, drunken New Yorkers, and killed the last shred of hope they had for the post season.
Now, if you know anything at all about me, you know that I am never one to revel in the misfortune of another team. That would simply be unnecessarily rude and hurtful. And so, as Wes Helms hit what ended up being the game-winning home run yesterday, and Dan Uggla followed with a shot of his own, I did not cheer. Instead, I bowed my head in a moment of silence for the dear souls who were crushed by this turn of events. Poor, dear Mets fans. So sad. So devastated. So torn apart. I do believe I shed a tear or two.
I know you are hurting right now, Mets fans. I know that it seems as though the sun will never rise in Flushing again. I know that you are seriously contemplating being inside of Shea Stadium when it is demolished with explosives. And I am here simply to try and help in any way that I can to ease the pain in your hearts. You sweet, sweet, sorrowful New Yorkers. I realize that no words can take away the agony in your hearts at this moment, but I do want to extend the sincerest of condolences on your recent loss, and say…
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mmmmmm. This whole crushing-of-the-hopes-and-dreams-of-the-Mets-and-their-fans thing has to be at least 5/6 as exciting as actually getting into the post-season ourselves. As soon as I am done basking in the glow of it all, I will present to you the post-season HLD&S awards ceremony, so say tuned!
I LOVE (hating) New York!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not a blog. I repeat, this is not a blog.

Untitled.jpgIt has been exactly nine days since my last official blog post, and I am happy to report that the Marlins are 7-1 since our little “slightly alive” pep talk. Of course, I can’t take all of the credit. That would just be silly. I’d say only about 98.76% of the credit should go to me, with the remaining 1.24% to be evenly distributed between the Marlins pitching, offense, and that one scraggly beer vendor who wears the fake nose around dolphin stadium.

I’m going to level with you though. The Fish may be 7-1 since my pep talk, but perhaps more importantly, they are also 7-0 since I stopped blogging. Coincidence? Well, frankly, I’m a little scared to find out (hence the title of this…memo). All I’m saying is, you readers who were crying out for a new post only have yourselves to blame if the Fish snap their winning streak tonight. Consider yourselves warned.
Now, I am of course grateful to the Marlins for their efforts in giving me something to cheer about in the final weeks of the season. Far be it from me to gripe. Or, close be it. Or…OK. The point is, I’m going to gripe now and pretend that it is completely out of character for me, and you are going to play along. Here goes.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY did you wait until it was essentially too late to start playing like this?!?! WHY?!?! 
There. Feels good to get that off my chest. In this not-even-close-to-being-a-blog, uh, collection of thoughts on baseball.

It would take a miracle.

miracle max.jpgAfter last night’s superbly disappointing loss in Philahellia, the Marlins find themselves trailing by 8.5 games in the National League East. They have also fallen to .500 for the first time in over five months.

With just 16 games to go, things aren’t looking real great for the Fish.

Now, I have been accused in the past of being a bit on the pessimistic side (I know, I was floored as well), so I am going to take an angle on this situation that may surprise my critics:

Until the Marlins are mathematically eliminated from the post season, may I remind you that the Fish are only MOSTLY dead. And those of us who are fans of Billy Crystal are well aware that there’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead… Mostly dead is slightly alive.

So, to my “slightly alive” baseball team:

Get it together. You don’t have to clinch the NL East to win my approval, but to stay above .500 all season long only to fall under at the end would be a travesty. A TRAVESTY, I tell you! Win some ball games for the love of Miracle Max! Take the next two from the Phils and help crush their dreams of the post season (because we all know that the next best thing to actually making the playoffs is keeping the Phillies from getting there, right?).

As for me, I will continue to hope until the final out of the final game that seals our fate.

SOCK it to ‘Em!

socks.JPGAt the behest of über superstitionalist (that’s totally a word, Spell Check) Paul Lo Duca, the Marlins decided to sport a brand new look in yesterday’s contest vs. Atlanta. 

A few of the boys were hesitant at first (and who can blame them really, with cankles being the unsightly things they are), but after Paul assured Hanley Ramirez and Jorge Cantu of the slimming effect black stockings create, even they agreed to go along with the plan. So the entire team tugged their pant legs high in unity, and–looking like the cast of Robin Hood–stuck it to the Braves. 
Er, I mean, beat the Braves by one run. But hey, a win is a win.
As a quick side note, I am not sure which I’m celebrating more today: the fact that the Fish have at last discovered the key to victory, or that after 16 months as a baseball blogger, I have finally managed to work the word “behest” into a post. It’s a toss-up, really.
You may not be as superstitious as your pals at Hook, Line Drive, & Sinker, but I am telling you, even the most level-headed realist of a Fish fan has reached the point of desperation this season where he begins grasping at straws. I mean, come on. If the traditional stuff like pitching real good and getting hits doesn’t work, more drastic measures are obviously called for.
I guess after only one win it may be a tad early to declare the high socks the answer to all the Marlins woes, and just in case they aren’t, I have come up with several more options for Fish superstitionery (yep, that’s a word too).
1. No showers until the NL East is clinched (My brother’s Little League team tried this with profound results. Still not sure if that was due to superstition or stench, but either way works for me.)
2. The entire team adopts the Uggla/Amezaga fauxhawk hairstyle (admittedly a difficult one, as the Fish have more baldies than any team in the National League, but still worth a try.)
3. Team begins following the “kick a closer in the shin for good luck” tradition. (What? You’ve never heard of this? Why, many a team has adopted this splendid tradition of a full team kick to the shin of the nearest closer at the midway point of a close ball game. But fine. I guess this tradition will only need to be implemented if Kevin Gregg recovers from his, ahem, injury.)
Those are just a few things the Fish may consider as the season gets down to the wire. And if you as fans wish to contribute to the Marlins record as well, in an upcoming post I will have a list of my personal fail-proof traditions to ensure a Marlins victory. But that’s later. Right now I have to go turn all of my furniture upside down while walking backwards in a rain slicker. 
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