If the Asterisk Fits...

They want to do it to Barry Bonds, and I have never argued. That's mainly because I think asterisks resemble stars and flowers, and I find both quite enjoyable, and am all for sprinkling them about wherever possible. But I think if we're going to go getting all picky about a few little mystery injections into the posterior of Mr. Bonds, then we need to get equally ruffled--if not in a downright tizzy--over the baseball atrocities that are actually documented and staring us right in the face.

For instance, it has been a joy to watch the Marlins go yard at a record pace this season, but one thing that can suck the fun right out of the celebration is the fact that the Philadelphia Phillies hold the number two spot for most home runs in MLB.

Please. (Prepare to get into aforementioned tizzy.)

The Phillies hit in one of the teeniest spaces known to the game of baseball (this includes t-ball fields, sandlots, backlots, and back yards), and the fact that the team is even eligible to be considered for this category is an outrage. 

Not only is the Phils's team home run record laughable, but Phils second-baseman Chase Utley is currently in second place for most dingers in all of baseball. Pardon me while I laugh so hard I choke on my own saliva and die of asphyxiation. 

Now, If I'm upset, I would imagine the Marlins' own Dan Uggla has gotta be downright livid. Uggs leads all of Major League Baseball with 23 home runs. Nearly half of those (11) have been hit in the vast expanse known as Dolphin Stadium. Even the cheapies don't come very cheap in the Marlins cavernous home, and Dan has had to earn every longball. Utley, on the other hand, hits in the Major League equivalent of The Sandlot.  Of his 22 home runs, 16 have been hit in Citizen's Bank Park. Second place in the majors? Uh, yeah. That's like Muggsy Bogues winning an NBA slam-dunk competition using my nephew's Playskool Easy Dunk.

I'm not asking for a congressional inquiry into this or anything (unless you old geezers are game, and can find nothing better to do with taxpayer dollars), but let's at least qualify the Phillies' home run statistic if we're going to throw it around:

Kruk: Well, Karl, the Phillies still hold second place for most homers in Major League baseaball.

Ravech: Of course, Krukky, they also hit in a park the size of my desktop zen garden, so that record is a load of...

Gammons: Something the FCC won't allow us to say on the air?

Ravech: You got it. How 'bout them Marlins?